Are you a super powerful camera running with instructions for an instamatic?

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Isn’t it a funny title?
Actually no, it’s tragic.

About 10%-15% of all the people (and the higher mammals) are highly sensitive. It’s a fact and we all know this.

The problem is that there is a big misunderstanding about it. Most of the people see HSPs as poor hypersensitive people who always need to hide from the world, and everything is annoying to them. Also, people with low self esteem and many problems.
And this is not just most of the people that think like this, it’s the HSPs themselves who think they are a bunch of problems and nothing else!

And here comes the title.

People you are running with the wrong manual!

Hasselblad 500 ELThe camera they sent to the moon was a Hasselblad 500EL, one of the most powerful photo cameras of it’s time. Specially developed for space travel and for space and moon conditions also adapted for the difficult suits of the astronauts.

Now imagine this camera running with the instruction manual of a cheap camera, let’s say an Instamatic.
The result will be that nobody will be able to use it, they will think that it cannot do anything, not even take pictures, and if the camera had a consciousness would believe that it’s good for nothing therefore had all the reasons in the world to feel depressed and constantly overwhelmed by all the crazy ideas about its abilities that, according to the manual, do not exist.

This is exactly what happened with Highly Sensitive People.

We are people with superpowers, feeling what others cannot, sensing things that don’t exist for usual people, thinking a way that nobody who is not HSP can understand and getting inspired by... well, nothing, according to the non-sensitive.
And this is not enough, we also believe what they tell us we are.

When we were kids, of course we needed more time to develop the complicated system we are running under, so we were not ready to get out and impress anyone.
And of course, the people who had nothing much to develop were coming out like lizards, ready to live and hunt the moment they came out of the egg, looking smart and bullying everyone who was not.

This is the wrong manual, this is the wrong message we got!

So, what are our problems?

1 We feel what other people around us feel. Empathy.
It’s not a problem as such, it’s a real superpower.
It becomes a problem when we take over these feelings like they are ours.
Solution: These problems are not ours, observe them, feel them, support the owner but it’s not your problem. Keep your distance!

2. We get a lot of information from our intuition and inspiration center.
Also not a problem, unless we ask the opinion of people who don’t understand so we have contradicting information.
Our intuition always tells us the truth, if we manage to separate this information from logic, beliefs and obligations running in our mind.
Solution: It’s just a matter of practice and support from a coach to untangle this mess and find out which part is important.

3. Almost nobody believes what we know and understand about the world and what happens around us!
Solution: Simple, we don’t share it, unless we know that they understand or accept our knowledge, or it’s ok for them to disagree with us and respect it.

4. We get overwhelmed by loud noises, much light and too much information.
This is natural, as we look into the world in a profound way, much deeper than the “normal” people, we have much more information than everyone else. Come to think of it, also a superpower.
Solution: Escape, get some rest as much as possible, find an excuse for being alone for 5 minutes, pick up your phone and pretend you have a long phone call so people leave you in peace for 10 minutes, just run to the bathroom if necessary.

There are many “problems” the HSPs have, but if you look at history most of the great things happened by people who were thinking, feeling and sensing just the way you do. Some of them found ways to solve these problems, others just lived with them, some of them even suffered because they didn’t know anything about their sensitivity and the solutions they had. But nothing stopped them from doing great things one way or the other.

Now you have knowledge, lots of articles and books written about you, lots of people ready to help you and lots of simple solution to your “complicated” problems.

Your real manual is out there, and you have it in your hands. Just read it.

Find out how your amazing complicated and very efficient system is working and do your miracles out there.

And of course, ask for help from people who know who you are.

Making dreams for the past

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wormholeI know, the title sounds strange, I mean how can someone make dreams, plans and wish things for the past? But sit down and think. Yes! Everyone does it and very often.

Making dreams for the past means you work or play with your regrets. All the things you wanted to do back then, and you didn’t. And not only that, often you create brand new dreams, things that you want now, as grownup, but for the time you were kid or teenager.

How many of us would like to have a childhood full of success, to be the most popular in school, in the university, to have the girls/boys we didn’t have back then, to have maybe a rock band, more successful than the Rolling Stones, ok maybe the same successful, let’s not exaggerate.

How many of us want to correct the mistakes of the past, the moment we didn’t dare, the moment we made the wrong movement and took the wrong way, the moment we didn’t face the challenge but listened to the parents, friends, teachers or bullies (sometimes I wonder who is who) and made ourselves small and let the bigger, older, more important get the opportunities.

What is my sensitivity?

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wanderIf you want to understand your sensitivity, the first thing you need to do is to stop reading all these chats from the “so called” Highly Sensitive People. The only thing I found there is a lot of complains about life, lots of dysfunctions and disorders, how the world is a hostile place, how poor they are and how everyone must pity them.
No, HSP is not about this. If you feel this way you have two options, change the way you see your sensitivity or stop reading this text now and go back to your chats.
When we talk about a sensitive device we talk about a tool so powerful that no other tool can function like this. A highly sensitive radio can receive radio signals that normal radios cannot. A highly sensitive film can make pictures in poor light conditions. Of course, if you expose it to much light you are going to burn these pictures. But if you know how to use it you can make pictures where others are getting dark frames.
Would you call this dysfunction? Why do you call your sensitivity dysfunction?
Your sensitivity is your ability to sense, feel and understand things better than others do. You are not unlucky, you are gifted.
I know, nobody asked you to have it. But if you think of it, nobody asked you where to be born, your gender, your nationality or your family. Nobody asked you if you should be born rich or poor, lucky or unlucky. Nobody asked you to be born in general! It just happened, and you are trying to make the best out of it.
So, your sensitivity is a gift to you, or rather a tool that you can use. And believe me, if you learn how to use it, it’s a blessing and a miracle.
So why many are just complaining instead of enjoying this gift? The reason is that they try to understand their sensitivity through the words of people who are not sensitive. Duh! I’m sure that many people who didn’t understand the relativity theory told Einstein that it was nonsense.
So, stop reading all these chats about how poor you are, also stop listening to the people who don’t know who you are.
Choices? Many!
Connect with sensitive people who are open to the positive aspects of your sensitivity, listen only to people who accept you just the way you are without trying to change you or manipulate you.
Explore your abilities and train your mind to be able to use them. Find books and articles that talk about the positive aspect of sensitivity.
Take the first step with me, we can have a friendly half hour chat about sensitivity, examples, problems and solutions.



Use the right question in your life

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question1How often do you hear someone asking you a question and immediately you feel uncomfortably? Especially if it has to do with your actions and your life, a question can really hit you like a hammer on the head.
For many people this is a sign that the question is right, touched the right spot etc.

Not for me though!

If you did something and you're not sure if it was right or wrong and someone asks you "why did you do this?" how do you feel? Do you get a kick? Do you feel accused, even though this was not the intention?
Actually when someone asks me "why did you do this?" I always feel there is an accusation there.
One of the most wonderful and powerful books I have read is "Breaking the Rules" by Kurt Wright. In this book he is describing the right question, why it is powerful and useful and will always help you move on.

What is the use of the right question?

The right question will help you move forward, create, feel good, motivate you and give you solutions in the most difficult moments.
The right question will give you the tools for creating effortlessly, whatever you were doing with a lot of struggle will become easy and simple.
The right question will de-activate the analytical and repairing way of thinking and activate the intuitive and creative part. Will take you away from being busy with trying to correct mistakes, something you can keep you busy for all your life, and take you exactly where you can create the solution you want, the attitude you need and the life you always wanted, if you did, by just shifting your point of view.

What kind of energy are you synchronized with?

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antenna1Don't worry, I'm not going to talk about the secret or any other positive affirmation methods. There is some every day action and way of thinking of us though, that these people took as seeds for this secret and this action and way of thinking is our attitude towards life. Of course you cannot correct it with wishful thinking and magic spells.

Let's see what am I talking about.
Every day we see hear and feel around us a lot of images, words, emotions and ideas and, of course, like every receiver, we tune to the ones that interest us more. Like, for example, a radio receiver has access to many radio stations in different frequencies, but focuses and hears only one every time, the one the user decided to hear.
Same with us, every day we have many sources of information around us, external or internal (internal I mean we feel them directly from the sender and not through his words or expressions) and we pay attention to a few of them. Some we ignore partly, we know they are there but don't really show interest, others like they don't exist.

For example, I check every day many pages about highly sensitive and see what are people posting there. I see people writing about hope, insights, great ideas and powers in every day life but also about something special that happened, let's say, today while others are sharing a great deal of pain and fear about their sensitivity and their "condition". But more interesting are the replies. Most of the replies are in alignment with the post, sharing the same or similar, often competing sharing bigger problems and fears.
Of course I see a few people trying to change the mood and trying to offer a real support, but if you check the likes and the replies, not many pay attention to them.

But for me these are the most interesting.

Don't re-program yourself

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robot1Many self improvement agents are offering new programs for your mind. New and improved, with many promises for better results, wonderful life, happiness etc.
But are you sure that this is what you need?

First of all if you have old programs running in your head it means that you don't think your original thoughts.
And where did these programs come from? From involuntary affirmations they made you believe. "You are small, you are stupid, you are useless, you don't have the right or the ability", all these things that you were hearing as child made you believe that you are a little creature in a huge universe and you don't have as many rights as you thought when you started thinking.
Do you want more automatic programs coming from new affirmations?

Do you have a hard time being around many people?

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crowd2It's absolutely normal for sensitive people to feel emotions from people around them. There are ways though that you avoid suffering.

Normally a sensitive person doesn't suffer with empathy, it's an absolutely normal thing and it can be used also as a tool. But if as a child they were trying to force you to feel certain things or avoiding others, you know, "stop being too sensitive", then you start judging the feelings, either they are yours or not.

Even in these case you can find ways to stop suffering.

1. Don't take over these emotions. They are not yours. Always try to remind it to yourself. You are not guilty if someone feels bad, just see it as an information.

Love without response and what to do with it

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friendsIf you love them back or they love you back there is no problem, things are simple, may become more complicated later but this is not the subject of this article.
The "problem" many people face is when someone falls in love with them or they fall in love without response.

To my opinion and my experience there is absolutely no problem with this. Falling in love is the most natural thing in the world and happens all the time all over the world.

The way I see it, if someone falls in love with you this can raise your self-esteem, make you feel good just thinking that there is at least someone in the world who would love to be near you.

What to do if you suddenly feel like a victim

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sad1I guess you all know the feeling, especially the highly sensitive and this for two reasons, because we feel more and because they know that we feel more.

So let's say that something happens in a moment that you don't feel flexible and one of your plans goes down the drain, let's say facebook rejects some project of yours. And you feel completely helpless, in the mercy of some authority or someone who is in better conditions than you, or so you think.
(The "so you think" is because when someone else feels like a victim they would love to make you feel the same, so they are not in better condition).

There are a few things you can learn to do in these cases, to make things lighter and to be able to get out of this situation fast.

1. Enjoy the feeling. Let's face it, when you feel like a victim all the responsibilities are gone. You are in the hands of fate, or the monstrous victimizer, and you don't have to do anything, just relax in your situation and, of course, your terribly delightful feelings. Of course you remind to yourself that this is not a real situation, but first you have to know it yourself.

Why Sensitive People feel better in stability?

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quiet1Highly sensitive people can easily change their lives, start a new profession or evolve fast using every given opportunity. Of course this happens when they are healthy and didn't develop neuroses from the constant abuse they had as sensitive children.
Of course they can always get rid of them, but this is another story.

But the paradox is that they often complain when things are changing too fast around them so they cannot concentrate.

Of course this does not mean that they cannot function in instability, no matter how much HSPs complain, can always function, can be very efficient, they won't feel good inside them though.

How positive is positive thinking?

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positive1It is a fashion of the last 20 years that became a great life guide especially after the movie and the book "the secret" came out. It is a new age movement with the idea that if you are thinking a positive way you will have positive results.
It is actually twisting the "law of attraction" with an extremely simplistic way (the real law doesn't say anything like this).

What is the philosophy? You just tell yourself that everything is fine and everything will be fine.
Did you ever see this happening? Stuff happens all the time even if the thoughts are extremely positive. I mean people get hurt and die, nobody ever became immortal by thinking positive.

Recognizing someone special coming into your life

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someonespecial1Sometimes when you meet someone, from the first moment you know that this person is going to play a powerful role in your life.

Unlike other cases where your ego tells you to rush, to try hard to contact or get closer to this person, in this case you feel very relaxed. You are not in a hurry, you are not trying hard or playing games to get closer. You feel confident and you know that getting closer is inevitable.

Now this person may become your lover or your spouse, some special friend or will offer you a valuable challenge, an advice or just an inspiration for you life, sometimes without being aware of it.

In what frequencies do sensitive people live?

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waves1In order to understand this we have to explain what the brainwave frequencies are . We are talking about the functioning frequency of the brain which varies according to the conditions and/or the type of person.

These are Beta, Alpha, Theta and Delta.

Delta 0,5-4 Hz is the state of the deep dreamless sleep, there is no consciousness there, at least not when this is the main wave pattern.
Theta 4-7 Hz, is the REM sleeping condition where dreams appear, or in case of being awake, the very deep relaxing state.
Alpha 7-14 Hz, is the relaxing mode, usually comes immediately when the eyes are closing.
Beta 14->21 Hz is the everyday awake functioning mode, where the brain analyzes, works hard and tries to survive.
In the 2 middle ones the person is more connected with subconscious mind and intuition.

Why be yourself?

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maskedThis is a funny question asked by a coach.
Coaching is the best way, today, to bring your real self on the surface, by removing all the additional personalities you had to adopt all these years.
Especially for a highly sensitive person, the non acceptance of your uniqueness made you play roles and keeping some of them as your real personalities. In this case you need more than anyone else to discover your real self and bring him up.

But often this is not enough.

There is a possibility that your real self hasn't seen the light of the sun for many years, most probably since your childhood. So if you bring him up most probably will be shocked because there are not many genuine selves available in this world.
So playing roles and adopt other personalities had some meaning. It was a very good disguise in a costume party!

Sensitivity and Evolution

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treeolife3I have to say that sensitivity had no place in the primitive world. Why that?
Nature needs strength. Physical strength. All the species in order to remain strong in a very competitive environment were always trying to reproduce the genes of the strongest and the most durable and tough.
This way, the world was full of brutal force, even within the species and in many cases this is the way it remains.

When the big males with the unbreakable horns and the strong muscles are fighting for reproduction, there is not space for sensitivity and creativity.

Don't take me wrong, sensitivity doesn't mean weakness, there is strength there and often seems to be brutal. But a sensitive person has another way of thinking and often this strength is not used for brutality.

Instructions to potential visionary leaders

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leaderespecially the ones who don't know or they forgot that they are.

Visionary leader is someone who doesn't rely only in analytical knowledge, experience and information to lead. The greatest tools of a visionary leader is intuition, inspiration and love.
A visionary leader doesn't need to push things, doesn't need to command, he/she just leads or shows the way.

Highly Sensitive people make perfect visionary leaders, in fact I'm sure that every real visionary leader in the past, in small or great scale, was HSP.

Anger is just one station, not your destination (some thoughts about anger management)

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angerMany clients are asking me how to deal with their anger. And, as usual, the whole discussion is around the symptom, ignoring the real reason.
And by real reason I don't mean the event or the situation that made someone angry. The real reason has to do with self-confidence, self-esteem and self-evaluation.

Let's start from the beginning, anger is just an emotion. It's not important by itself. Thousands of emotions are passing through us every moment, most of them are just getting evaporated before we are even aware of them.
The non-logical animals also have emotions, fear, joy, anger, desire, but they don't hold on to them. We, with our "logic", are trying to hold on tightly to our emotions. We are also trying to control them. And suddenly, without any warning, we are angry and whatever we try we cannot relax.

There is no greater wisdom than being what you really are

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wisdom2In our society we learn that wisdom, or rather smartness is to manage to be someone who you are not. In the family, the school, among friends, in the profession or job, everyone tries to prove that they are someone else. Some role model who's achievements are trying to reach.
But there is a great difference between doing what someone else does and being someone else!

Sensitivity, a highly misunderstood term

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marketThe first time I heard "Highly Sensitive" I also took it wrong, my impression was that they were talking about problematic people who take everything very heavily and are too emotionally. When they told me that I am also one, I was ready to explode, (well, maybe they are not completely wrong).
Slowly I understood the concept and the reasons HSPs are often too emotional.

Okay let's take things from the beginning.
Highly sensitive is someone who can feel, understand or sense much more than most people do. And HSPs are not rare, about 15-20% of the people and many animals share the same attributes.

What if you can't explain it?

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Dear sensitive,

phone1I'm sure you have noticed that often your thoughts and your ideas sound strange to the people around you. Your parents, your partner, your friends or your boss/employees have no idea what are you talking about, your great inspiration sounds like gibberish and your enthusiasm goes down the drain. Again and again.

But the fact that others don't understand your ideas doesn't mean that your ideas are rubbish, it means only what it looks like, people just don't understand your ideas.

The big question is where these ideas and inspirations are coming from?
Well it's the collective knowledge and wisdom, facts, ideas and insights from everyone, everywhere and every-when. And the reason that they come as random ideas and as flashes in your mind is because that's they way they suppose to come. If they come as words or voices they will be confused with the logical thoughts, or you will have to see a doctor.

Sensitivity in History

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caveLong long time ago, many thousands of years before our time, the humans were struggling for survival. Hunting, collecting fruits or even cultivating, in a hostile environment. The language, or rather the pre-language was trying to escape from the usual 5 different sounds for 5 different expressions, like danger, joy, food, sex and headache.
Having still a difficult life, even though the language was enriched with more words about sex and headache, among other things, the primitive human beings were slowly getting ahead of the animals.
Some of them though, were getting ahead of the rest of the humans too. Some of our primitive ancestors started creating tools from stones and pieces of wood, others were painting on the walls of the caves, some were "composing" music, (you know, rhythmic noises) or exploring and interpreting the sky and the position of the stars.
Do you think they had an easy life? I believe everyone else was looking at them the way we look at some crazy person today. "We are trying to survive here, trying to get food, escaping from wild animals, raising our kids and you are making.... art and science?"

Set to autopilot

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thoughts1In many cases you hear people talk about routine and how boring or bad it is or how it's killing the enthusiasm.
Sensitive people feel really trapped if they have to be in a routine, especially doing or living things that they don't like or they are not interested to.

Most of the times though, Sensitive people create their own routines. It seems strange that people born explorers, adventurers, artists and inventors, people with strange and unique ideas have to create routines and sometimes be furious if someone breaks them.

How to be alone

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A video by fiilmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis.Davis wrote the beautiful poem and performed in the video which Dorfman directed, shot, animated by hand and edited.

The most amazing parts of this poem, according to my opinion:
1) "Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it."
2) "It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach."


Sensitive vs hypersensitive

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emotional1Many people are confusing the terms “sensitivity” and “emotional hypersensitivity”. They think that being under the permanent influence of emotions means they are sensitive.

In reality the term “Highly Sensitive Person” or HSP means a person with highly tuned nervous system, all the senses work more intensively and with higher precision. And this is not all, sensitive persons have a greater feeling of the emotions around them, empathy and holistic sense of the world.

Sensitive persons have an intensive desire for peace and tranquility, but the way our world functions can lead them to the opposite, hatred and destruction.

Honor your flame

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fireguy2This is something only highly sensitive people will understand and not all of them.
Inner fire is the main ingredient of an HSP, the passion for life; the meaning of life itself is this fire.
The reason that not all of the sensitive people will understand this is because many HSPs learned to protect themselves and play roles in order to survive. This is not conscious; it’s happening automatically and depends on the childhood experiences. Yes these again!

It's not your fault

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This is a scene from Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams as therapist helps Will to wake up from his defences and his excuses for avoiding life.

I can imagine for you, sensitive person this can also be an awakening.
In many cases the abuse that you experienced as child can lead you to close yourself to a bubble and try to be safe. The result is avoiding living.
And abuse is not only beating and torturing, although it looks like it's the most terrible; verbal abuse, being ignored, even being forced to play small so they can feel comfortable are also very serious cases.

The lost years

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wildSometime, either we are sensitives or not, we discover that we had different dreams about our life, completely different from the life we live now, abilities we never used, wisdom we had to suppress, values we forced to reject, a wonderful life we never lived up to now.

We see the lost years in front of our eyes.
After the first shock and the realization what life is about, there is a period of changes. We try to live our real life, fight with the negative elements (beliefs, patterns, programs etc.) and we stay very busy and very excited with all these wonderful things we discover. It’s not easy; the process is long and painful sometimes. Some of us ask for help (I both ask and offer).

The Intelligence of the Lizard

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lizard3I want to talk about the people who know everything, who have all the answers ready from their childhood who judge and condemn without a second thought.
For the highly sensitive people they can become a serious problem, especially in small age when the sensitives are still exploring the world, everything is open and possible and they create the opportunity to see life from many different points of view.

Fear of Success; is that a joke?

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  fear1I’m afraid it’s not. This is what most people are suffering from. I know, it sound absurd but it’s the most common reality in this world.
How does it appear?
You can see it on many people, or even on yourself:

  • - As self-sabotage, when things seem to go right you will just do the “right” movements for ruining everything,
  • - Burning the bridges that can connect you to the people who can help and build stronger connections to the ones that will keep you down on the ground,
  • - Procrastinating and avoiding everything that can give you results, no matter how pleasant or easy these actions can be,
  • - Keeping yourself busy with unimportant activities,
  • - Judging and rejecting ideas and thoughts that can have a positive influence in your life, usually with the excuse that they are not cool enough,
  • - Starting always from the beginning, like inventing the wheel every single time,
  • - Trying the same things again and again, even if you saw for thousands of times that they fail.

Now where is this fear coming from?

Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 7: Taking your partner for Granted

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ignoringA relationship is supposed to be alive. It’s not a solid foundation that you built and it will stay there forever, you need to participate and nourish it.
Many people think that by ignoring their partner they show their power and their freedom. In reality they refuse to see the truth.
Ignoring your partner it’s like closing your eyes, and when you close your eyes anything can happen.

The truth is that nobody belongs to you and you belong to nobody. Everyone is free to stay or to go, and attitudes like, demands, jealousy, abuse or ignoring are not offering anything to the relationship, in fact the opposite, they take away whatever has being built.

Taking someone for granted means that you don’t respect them, you don’t need them, and you don’t want to offer anything to them. Actually means that this relationship has no meaning for you.

One million promises

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carrotI noticed the last days the great difference between the period after the summer holidays and the rest of the year.
At the end of August people are in good mood, full of hopes about their jobs, their relationships. They are ready to open up and expand their lives.
I also noticed that people get up early and go to their job in time, or even earlier.
Another thing that happens now, right after the summer, is that people give lots of promises. Promises about new projects, about giving money, about moving a relationship into a new level, about being in good mood this year, and many more. And they are ready to keep them.
As the winter comes there is a chain reaction of broken promises. The first people who start feeling tired break their promises and slowly one after the other people get disappointed, unreliable and at the end they disappoint everyone around them.
The whole chain ends next summer where new hopes will come and new promises will be given… and broken.

Do you feel threatened?

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desperationThis is especially for sensitives.
Do you think that everyone around you is a potential threat? Do you observe that they never offer you what you want or need in your life? Do you allow your thoughts and emotions to be dominated by the fear, the negativity, and ultimately the hate against people who never take care of you and they just want to abuse you?

Well let’s reverse the question. What are you offering?
What are the excellence and the greatness that you offer to the world, that you offer to the people around you (when you don’t defend yourself from what’s threatening you)?

Dear sensitive, the fear that you feel and the anger about the people who don’t respect you or who are against you, keeps you busy from fulfilling your life dreams and purpose.
Sensitive people have so much to offer.

Getting ready for school

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flower girlOnce upon a time there was a little girl
One day her parents realized that she started behaving strangely. She started acting like a baby, defending herself against everything and everyone, crying for no real reason, talking with baby voice, and also showing this impatience that little children show when they expect something exciting to happen.

This behavior was getting more intensive and more obvious as the days were passing so they decided to ask a psychologist.

The mother called the psychologist to arrange for a date, and he asked a few questions on the phone.
-Isn’t your girl very clever and very responsible usually?
Isn’t she generally very polite and very kind to the people?
Doesn’t she understand things easily when there is no pressure?
The mother said that all these things he asked are true, that’s why it’s difficult for them to understand her behavior.

Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 6: Trying to be Safe

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hidingTrying to be safe in a relationship makes you often keep your partner in a distance. The imaginary, or not, fear of being hurt, abused, exploited or exposed, makes you live part of your life and not the whole thing.
The question is why did you start this relationship, to be safe or to live and enjoy it? And are you ever really safe?

If you really want to have a worthy relationship, and I guess that's why you are reading this,  you need to be fully open to your partner and this way make him/her open him/herself. On the other hand if this is impossible then you have to go away.
It doesn’t worth staying in a relationship that is based on fear, not even for the sake of the children. If you force your children to be part of a dysfunctional relationship/family they will experience this as a normal way of living; this means they will repeat the same patterns in their own relationships. This way you make more people unhappy.

Who runs your business?

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driverI can hear you saying loud “But of course me!”
Maybe you will even be offended that someone asks this question.

Well it’s not sure that you are running your business, and this is very dangerous.
Who is in charge? Different programs, subconscious thoughts and beliefs, guilt, fear, selfishness, insecurity, the need to prove your value, your parents most probably, anyway the chance that you yourself are running your business is very small.

Sounds terrible? It is. Just see how many businesses close, because there is nobody there to take care of them. According to Michael Gerber (The E-Myth Revisited) 40% of the small business will close during the first year and 80% in the first five years. And after that, 80% of the surviving businesses will close down during the next five years. This means about 4% of all small businesses are still alive after 10 years; and by what means?

Controlling is weakness

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whistlerSurprise! I mean it. Many people think that controlling is power, they couldn’t be more wrong.
Power is trust, power is giving space to the talents or the strengths of the others, power is trusting that you deserve the respect of the others without terrorizing them.

One of the main cases where people try to control is parenthood. When the child is very little of course the parents have to control, because of safety and learning. But a teenager needs space to develop self-control, self-esteem and understanding of the world.

And you can see what happens when the “kids” are not kids any more, they are grownups or even old people. In many cases parents, and especially mothers, try to control everything, and mostly little details. It’s not strange to see someone who is famous, powerful, has a Nobel prize or rules the world, and his mama will find the details to make him/her feel small, clumsy, useless and careless, like a not straight tie, the way he/she eats, cooks, drives, walks, stands or talks to his/her grand grandchildren ;-)

Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 5: Wanting to be right

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statueEvery really wise person will ask this question: do you prefer to be right or happy? Well most of us prefer to be right even if unhappiness is coming from this desire. And I can understand this.
First of all this is a world built on attack and defense. Everything is based on right or wrong, there are always wars running in many parts of this planet, and everything has to do with who is right and who is not.
Then it is the idea that by defending yourself you will survive and since life is unfair you always need to fight for survival.
Yes! The experience of all the people who fight for survival, or for being right is that people constantly fight them back. So according to their experience they are right.

Walking labels

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labeledMost of us look at people and immediately stick a label on them. Beautiful, blond, fat, silly, strong, arrogant, dark… and we stick them without knowing anything about these people.

Of course I believe that the first impression is very important and if the intuition is offering the insight and the information then it is absolutely true.

But intuition doesn’t put labels. Labels are put by the ego.
Intuition does not judge, just gives information. Ego judges, trying to make others feel bad, in order to make us feel good (!!!).

Many think that they are smart by putting labels; there is a whole way of thinking where you are cool by just judging everybody around.
Well that’s not cool.

Things they don't teach you in school

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school1Bill Gates made a list of 11 things they don’t teach in school. I agree with a few of them, not for the reasons he mentioned though. These are with Bill's numbering:

1 Life is not fair…get used to it.
Well, it's not! Waiting for justice in order to become happy you will just see life slipping through your hands.

10 Television is NOT real life.
Not only because in real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to work, as Bill says, but also because television is business and people get paid to play or say certain things. Most of them are lies, you don’t have to believe them.

11 Be nice to nerds. Bill gives as reason that “chances are you’ll end up working for one” but my explanation is that nerds have some way of thinking that is much different than macho or ego driven pupils (or not pupils). All the “smart” people in school or out of it think that nerds are serving the system, but the ones who serve and reproduce the system are the ones who play with the rules, let's say with the rules of the bullies, in order to survive or to be loved and accepted, by other bullies in this case. Many nerds are sensitives (hsp) who still explore life and they are more open minded that you can imagine.

Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 4: Great Expectations

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superkissAs I said when I was talking about roadblock 3, sacrifice, the meaning of a relationship is “I accept you exactly as you are” and not “I want you to change”. This is why expecting something from the person you connect with, almost always leads to disappointment and pain.
To my opinion expectation is a highly conservative attitude. You expect someone to be a certain way when you cannot stand anything different from what you are or what you have experienced in your life. You are not open to explore life and anything new.
Just observe almost everything living on earth. Every creature, every species tries to be complete by “meeting” the opposite or supplementary. Can you see that trying to change someone in order to feel safe is against this natural way?

But I’m not asking you to control your behavior. I will never ask you this!

Great expectations are there because of insecurity, and it is a desire to control your world. In reality it is the belief that you don’t deserve to have good things in your life, so you try to control everything in order to get them. Of course you couldn’t trust that your friends or your lover are on your side.

This website, since it's made for Highly Sensitive People, is has been designed with dark colours and minimum information, especially moving parts. HSPs can process everything deeper and with more details, but if they have useless or even too much info they get easily tired and frustrated.